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Tipped off by a disgruntled forklift operator, federal agents on Wednesday confiscated 11 tons of pumpkin spice marijuana and $6 million in cash and coupons at a nondescript warehouse in Lower Manhattan. Three men and two women, all wearing cracked skull masks and skeleton costumes, were taken into custody without incident.

Adults in the United States have fallen behind their third-grade peers in China and throughout Asia in math, science, reading, writing, speaking, thinking, and walking upright, according to a study released Thursday by the Institute for the Assessment of Pre-K and K-8 Educational Outcomes, based in Zurich.

God’s recent announcement that he would step down in October as the all-knowing, all-powerful Lord of the cosmos prompted intense and around-the-clock speculation about who would replace him. Would the Supreme Being choose a senior angel from within his inner circle, as many analysts and God-watchers believed; or would he opt for any of three or four minor gods who seem poised for a larger role in the cosmos, as Las Vegas oddsmakers predicted? 

In a clear sign of impatience with human folly and ignorance, nearly 200 major and minor gods on Thursday announced plans to evict President Donald Trump from the White House and banish him from the United States. The gods — including Zeus, Thor, Shiva, Yahweh, Krishna, and Marduk — noted that Vice President Mike Pence would accompany Mr. Trump into permanent exile, with both men allowed to wear only untreated animal skins for clothing.

In a landmark case closely watched by the dental and cosmetics industries, a federal judge on Thursday ordered a suburban Minneapolis woman to refrain from any attempt to further whiten her teeth, arguing that they were already “excessively and unnaturally and intolerably white.”

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Dr. Parsnippety & the Anxious Artichoke

A father's worst fear is realized when he finds a scandalous cookbook under his son's bed. Watch the video now.


Dr. Parsnippety was born and raised in Chisholm, Minn., the daughter of a physician and basketball coach. She attended public schools and received a Bachelor of Science degree in biology from the University of Minnesota. She received a Master of Science degree in applied psychology at New York University, studying the similarity of decision-making strategies in squirrels and human beings. She earned a PhD at Stanford University, completing a dissertation clarifying the harmful effects of fertilizers and pesticides on the emotional development of corn and soybeans. She resides in naturally fertile soil near Ames, Iowa, with her husband—a beet—and their two children, or beetnips, ages 4 and 7.

Subscribe for regular updates from Dr. Parsnippety on YouTube here. 

Read Dr. Parsnippety's columns here.



I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

(Stanzas two and three left out for lack of space. Go look them up!)

For oft, when on my couch I lie,
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye,
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

- William Wordsworth



Frank Eagle was born and raised in a nest atop a Norway pine, which still stands four miles southwest of Mineral Point, Wisc. At the age of six, he tested out of elementary school and high school and enrolled at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, where in three weeks he earned bachelor’s degrees in classics and ancient Greek philology. He then attended Columbia University in New York City, taking 14 hours to write a master’s thesis in psycholinguistics, in which he analyzed the reasons human beings often say one thing and do another. Without further study, his PhD was granted to him by the Columbia provosts, in acknowledgement of his extraordinary academic accomplishments. He currently resides alone in a nest two miles east of Caledonia, Minn.

Read Frank's columns here.

Uprooted Connections

INMATE AT FACTORY FARM, uncastrated male hog, nice loins, wants to correspond with sympathetic, free range sows. Interested in swine with access to tools, particularly bolt and wire cutters.

MEKONG BOBTAIL CAT, male, of Russian origin, born in Laos, raised in China, fled to England during Mao’s Cultural Revolution, immigrated to the United States in 1987, grew morbidly obese from poor self-control and heavily marketed culture of ever faster and junkier food, “food” horrifically processed and manipulated for the sake of corporate profit rather than human health and children’s well-being and....Wait, why am I writing?

Read more Uprooted Connections

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