Latest News

Home

Returning from a failed archaeological dig near the border of Kenya and Tanzania, American scientists landed in Washington on Thursday and were elated to discover, while touring the White House, what had eluded them in East Africa: namely, evidence of a common evolutionary ancestor, or living animal relative, linking chimpanzees and Homo sapiens.

Senate GOP leaders announced Thursday that their health-care plan would eliminate all health-care costs, and thus any need for insurance, by requiring people to seek miraculous cures and other free medical treatment from Jesus Christ, via prayer.

In a clear signal of the direction it wants to take the country, the White House announced Friday that the United States would be renamed Trumpistan and that the individual states would become wholly owned properties—or “business entities”—of the Trump Family Empire.

WASHINGTON — In coordinated attacks on 34 sites in seven nations across the globe, the Animal Kingdom on Thursday launched a worldwide war to reclaim land and water necessary for the survival of all species. The nighttime raids began with waves of F-18 Bluefin-Tuna bombers and A-12 Screaming Monarch-Butterfly cruise missiles, striking coastal and inland targets in Europe, America, and Australia.

Archaeologists working in northwestern Montana have unearthed a large fragment of what is thought to be the oldest restaurant menu ever found. Made of bison leather and protected by a laminate of stretched muskrat intestine, the menu — estimated to be 12,700 years old — offers meat, fish, and vegetarian main dishes, including a daily “Marrow Special.”

Watch Now

Dr. Parsnippety & the Anxious Artichoke

A father's worst fear is realized when he finds a scandalous cookbook under his son's bed. Watch the video now.


Parsnip_video.jpg

Dr. Parsnippety was born and raised in Chisholm, Minn., the daughter of a physician and basketball coach. She attended public schools and received a Bachelor of Science degree in biology from the University of Minnesota. She received a Master of Science degree in applied psychology at New York University, studying the similarity of decision-making strategies in squirrels and human beings. She earned a PhD at Stanford University, completing a dissertation clarifying the harmful effects of fertilizers and pesticides on the emotional development of corn and soybeans. She resides in naturally fertile soil near Ames, Iowa, with her husband—a beet—and their two children, or beetnips, ages 4 and 7.

Subscribe for regular updates from Dr. Parsnippety on YouTube here. 

Read Dr. Parsnippety's columns here.

Parsnippets

Botanical-Parsnip.jpg

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

(Stanzas two and three left out for lack of space. Go look them up!)

For oft, when on my couch I lie,
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye,
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

- William Wordsworth

 

eagle_design-headshot.png

Frank Eagle was born and raised in a nest atop a Norway pine, which still stands four miles southwest of Mineral Point, Wisc. At the age of six, he tested out of elementary school and high school and enrolled at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, where in three weeks he earned bachelor’s degrees in classics and ancient Greek philology. He then attended Columbia University in New York City, taking 14 hours to write a master’s thesis in psycholinguistics, in which he analyzed the reasons human beings often say one thing and do another. Without further study, his PhD was granted to him by the Columbia provosts, in acknowledgement of his extraordinary academic accomplishments. He currently resides alone in a nest two miles east of Caledonia, Minn.

Read Frank's columns here.


Uprooted Connections

INMATE AT FACTORY FARM, uncastrated male hog, nice loins, wants to correspond with sympathetic, free range sows. Interested in swine with access to tools, particularly bolt and wire cutters. pigprison@hogmail.com

MEKONG BOBTAIL CAT, male, of Russian origin, born in Laos, raised in China, fled to England during Mao’s Cultural Revolution, immigrated to the United States in 1987, grew morbidly obese from poor self-control and heavily marketed culture of ever faster and junkier food, “food” horrifically processed and manipulated for the sake of corporate profit rather than human health and children’s well-being and....Wait, why am I writing? mekong.youbabe@oldtomcats.com

Read more Uprooted Connections

Support Our Sponsors

Screen Shot 2014-01-03 at 2.48.55 PM.png

Send Us a Tip

Email us your breaking plant and animal news to tips@theparsnippety.com

Get Weekly Emails

Name *
Name