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Archaeologists working in northwestern Montana have unearthed a large fragment of what is thought to be the oldest restaurant menu ever found. Made of bison leather and protected by a laminate of stretched muskrat intestine, the menu — estimated to be 12,700 years old — offers meat, fish, and vegetarian main dishes, including a daily “Marrow Special.”

Saying he can already recite the letters A through K without looking at his flash cards, President Donald Trump on Tuesday Vowed to memorize the entire alphabet before the end of his term in office, or, if not by then, sometime after that.

As of June 1, much of the universe will be shut down for extensive repairs and a major redesign of at least 200 billion galaxies, including the Milky Way, according to a statement released Thursday by Meyer & Whitman, the New York architectural firm hired by God to oversee the work.

Saying that true statements are not always right and that false statements are not always wrong, President Trump on Thursday laid out his vision of an America where “knowledge and ignorance are both accepted and respected for what they are — big words.” He twice noted that knowledge and ignorance should be treated as equals “because each of those words has exactly nine letters in it, or they did when I counted them this morning.” 

ELMORE, Ohio — All his life Gary Oltz had considered himself a Christian. As a child he went to a Lutheran church every Sunday with his parents and siblings; as an adult, with his wife Carol, he attended weekly Mass at a Catholic church for nearly 34 years.

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Dr. Parsnippety & the Anxious Artichoke

A father's worst fear is realized when he finds a scandalous cookbook under his son's bed. Watch the video now.


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Dr. Parsnippety was born and raised in Chisholm, Minn., the daughter of a physician and basketball coach. She attended public schools and received a Bachelor of Science degree in biology from the University of Minnesota. She received a Master of Science degree in applied psychology at New York University, studying the similarity of decision-making strategies in squirrels and human beings. She earned a PhD at Stanford University, completing a dissertation clarifying the harmful effects of fertilizers and pesticides on the emotional development of corn and soybeans. She resides in naturally fertile soil near Ames, Iowa, with her husband—a beet—and their two children, or beetnips, ages 4 and 7.

Subscribe for regular updates from Dr. Parsnippety on YouTube here. 

Read Dr. Parsnippety's columns here.

Parsnippets

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I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

(Stanzas two and three left out for lack of space. Go look them up!)

For oft, when on my couch I lie,
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye,
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

- William Wordsworth

 

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Frank Eagle was born and raised in a nest atop a Norway pine, which still stands four miles southwest of Mineral Point, Wisc. At the age of six, he tested out of elementary school and high school and enrolled at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, where in three weeks he earned bachelor’s degrees in classics and ancient Greek philology. He then attended Columbia University in New York City, taking 14 hours to write a master’s thesis in psycholinguistics, in which he analyzed the reasons human beings often say one thing and do another. Without further study, his PhD was granted to him by the Columbia provosts, in acknowledgement of his extraordinary academic accomplishments. He currently resides alone in a nest two miles east of Caledonia, Minn.

Read Frank's columns here.


Uprooted Connections

INMATE AT FACTORY FARM, uncastrated male hog, nice loins, wants to correspond with sympathetic, free range sows. Interested in swine with access to tools, particularly bolt and wire cutters. pigprison@hogmail.com

MEKONG BOBTAIL CAT, male, of Russian origin, born in Laos, raised in China, fled to England during Mao’s Cultural Revolution, immigrated to the United States in 1987, grew morbidly obese from poor self-control and heavily marketed culture of ever faster and junkier food, “food” horrifically processed and manipulated for the sake of corporate profit rather than human health and children’s well-being and....Wait, why am I writing? mekong.youbabe@oldtomcats.com

Read more Uprooted Connections

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