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Embarrassed by their association with Americans following the election of Donald J. Trump as president, U.S. domestic cats on Thursday seized a 90-thouand-acre parcel of mostly rural land in southwestern Missouri and proclaimed it the Republic of Catistan.

A new Dark Age descended over the United States last week as semi-naked hordes of Republican savages raided centers of culture and learning on both the East and West coasts, setting fire to schools and universities, plundering theaters, museums, and libraries, while hunting down and carrying off anyone with a college degree or an active mind.

Interviews with Americans across the United States reveal that many who voted for President-elect Donald J. Trump did so because they came to believe, over the course of the campaign, that facts, knowledge, language proficiency, maturity and decency were obstacles to the change they wished to see in the nation.

VIRANSEHIR, SANLIURFA PROVINCE, Turkey — A team of archaeologists working in southeastern Turkey has solved a riddle that has bedeviled scientists and philosophers for more than 4000 years. The question of which came first—the chicken or the egg—can now be answered with certainty. The egg came first.

Motorists are familiar with the yellow, diamond-shaped signs warning them to proceed with caution on residential streets because of a DEAF CHILD in the area or because there are CHILDREN AT PLAY nearby.

As of January 1, new street signs will alert motorists of additional reasons to proceed with caution, following the Department of Transportation’s approval Friday of signage warning of highly unpleasant, emotionally stunted people. The new road signs include:

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Dr. Parsnippety & the Anxious Artichoke

A father's worst fear is realized when he finds a scandalous cookbook under his son's bed. Watch the video now.


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Dr. Parsnippety was born and raised in Chisholm, Minn., the daughter of a physician and basketball coach. She attended public schools and received a Bachelor of Science degree in biology from the University of Minnesota. She received a Master of Science degree in applied psychology at New York University, studying the similarity of decision-making strategies in squirrels and human beings. She earned a PhD at Stanford University, completing a dissertation clarifying the harmful effects of fertilizers and pesticides on the emotional development of corn and soybeans. She resides in naturally fertile soil near Ames, Iowa, with her husband—a beet—and their two children, or beetnips, ages 4 and 7.

Subscribe for regular updates from Dr. Parsnippety on YouTube here. 

Read Dr. Parsnippety's columns here.

Parsnippets

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I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

(Stanzas two and three left out for lack of space. Go look them up!)

For oft, when on my couch I lie,
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye,
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

- William Wordsworth

 

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Frank Eagle was born and raised in a nest atop a Norway pine, which still stands four miles southwest of Mineral Point, Wisc. At the age of six, he tested out of elementary school and high school and enrolled at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, where in three weeks he earned bachelor’s degrees in classics and ancient Greek philology. He then attended Columbia University in New York City, taking 14 hours to write a master’s thesis in psycholinguistics, in which he analyzed the reasons human beings often say one thing and do another. Without further study, his PhD was granted to him by the Columbia provosts, in acknowledgement of his extraordinary academic accomplishments. He currently resides alone in a nest two miles east of Caledonia, Minn.

Read Frank's columns here.


Uprooted Connections

INMATE AT FACTORY FARM, uncastrated male hog, nice loins, wants to correspond with sympathetic, free range sows. Interested in swine with access to tools, particularly bolt and wire cutters. pigprison@hogmail.com

MEKONG BOBTAIL CAT, male, of Russian origin, born in Laos, raised in China, fled to England during Mao’s Cultural Revolution, immigrated to the United States in 1987, grew morbidly obese from poor self-control and heavily marketed culture of ever faster and junkier food, “food” horrifically processed and manipulated for the sake of corporate profit rather than human health and children’s well-being and....Wait, why am I writing? mekong.youbabe@oldtomcats.com

Read more Uprooted Connections

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