After nearly 14 billion years as the deeply influential yet utterly invisible chief executive of the cosmos, God announced Thursday that he would step down in October in order “to make way for new leadership and to spend more time with family and friends, as well as to travel and possibly do a little fishing.”
Returning from a failed archaeological dig near the border of Kenya and Tanzania, American scientists landed in Washington on Thursday and were elated to discover, while touring the White House, what had eluded them in East Africa: namely, evidence of a common evolutionary ancestor, or living animal relative, linking chimpanzees and Homo sapiens.
Dr. Parsnippety was born and raised in Chisholm, Minn., the daughter of a physician and basketball coach. She attended public schools and received a Bachelor of Science degree in biology from the University of Minnesota. She received a Master of Science degree in applied psychology at New York University, studying the similarity of decision-making strategies in squirrels and human beings. She earned a PhD at Stanford University, completing a dissertation clarifying the harmful effects of fertilizers and pesticides on the emotional development of corn and soybeans. She resides in naturally fertile soil near Ames, Iowa, with her husband—a beet—and their two children, or beetnips, ages 4 and 7.
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I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
(Stanzas two and three left out for lack of space. Go look them up!)
For oft, when on my couch I lie,
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye,
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
- William Wordsworth
Frank Eagle was born and raised in a nest atop a Norway pine, which still stands four miles southwest of Mineral Point, Wisc. At the age of six, he tested out of elementary school and high school and enrolled at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, where in three weeks he earned bachelor’s degrees in classics and ancient Greek philology. He then attended Columbia University in New York City, taking 14 hours to write a master’s thesis in psycholinguistics, in which he analyzed the reasons human beings often say one thing and do another. Without further study, his PhD was granted to him by the Columbia provosts, in acknowledgement of his extraordinary academic accomplishments. He currently resides alone in a nest two miles east of Caledonia, Minn.
INMATE AT FACTORY FARM, uncastrated male hog, nice loins, wants to correspond with sympathetic, free range sows. Interested in swine with access to tools, particularly bolt and wire cutters. email@example.com
MEKONG BOBTAIL CAT, male, of Russian origin, born in Laos, raised in China, fled to England during Mao’s Cultural Revolution, immigrated to the United States in 1987, grew morbidly obese from poor self-control and heavily marketed culture of ever faster and junkier food, “food” horrifically processed and manipulated for the sake of corporate profit rather than human health and children’s well-being and....Wait, why am I writing? firstname.lastname@example.org
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