Scientists Identify President Trump as the Long-Sought ‘Missing Link’ Between Chimps and Humans

Returning from a failed archaeological dig near the border of Kenya and Tanzania, American scientists landed in Washington on Thursday and were elated to discover, while touring the White House, what had eluded them in East Africa: namely, evidence of a common evolutionary ancestor, or living animal relative, linking chimpanzees and Homo sapiens.

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Animal Kingdom Launches Worldwide Counteroffensive Against Humans; Battles Rage on 3 Continents as Both Sides Report Heavy Casualties; Last-Ditch Fight for Habitat

WASHINGTON — In coordinated attacks on 34 sites in seven nations across the globe, the Animal Kingdom on Thursday launched a worldwide war to reclaim land and water necessary for the survival of all species. The nighttime raids began with waves of F-18 Bluefin-Tuna bombers and A-12 Screaming Monarch-Butterfly cruise missiles, striking coastal and inland targets in Europe, America, and Australia.

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