By Adam Braunschweiger
Tipped off by a disgruntled forklift operator, federal agents on Wednesday confiscated 11 tons of pumpkin spiced marijuana and $6 million in cash and coupons at a nondescript Manhattan warehouse. Three men and two women, all wearing cracked skull masks and skeleton costumes, were taken into custody without incident.
U.S. authorities said the marijuana was laced with traditional pumpkin spices like cinnamon, nutmeg and clove, along with other natural and artificial flavors, in addition to unspecified sweeteners and thickeners. The drug haul, intended for distribution at Halloween parties throughout New York City, has a combined medical, emotional and spiritual value of roughly $23 billion, according to Psychology Today magazine.
Taking a page from the Starbucks and Dairy Queen playbooks, marijuana dealers this autumn have scrambled to satisfy customer demand for flavors both novel and traditional. For example, recently confiscated marijuana menus—or “weed lists”—have included flavors such as Fudge Pecan, Bubble Gum, Caramel Apple, Rhubarb-Strawberry, Oreo Oblivion, White Chocolate Mocha Blast, and Creamy-Dreamy Butterfinger Haze.
In late September, U.S. Customs agents in the Gulf of Mexico intercepted a group of smugglers carrying 900 pounds of Triple Fudge Marshmallow-Toffee Xtreme marijuana. Yet many other exciting flavors escaped detection, according to Ralph Wickersham, deputy director of drug interdiction in the Land of Dixie.
“Demand for these flavors of the month is infinite,” said Wickersham. “We could deploy the entire U.S. military in an effort to stop the Oreo Caramel Cheesecake pot trade and still get nowhere. I think we’re coming around to the belief that it’s idiotic (and I mean really, really stupid) to spend all these resources trying to prevent people from getting high off weed, leaning way back in their sofas, and wiping whipped cream from their lips.”