Obamas to Hand Out Salmon, Spinach and Brown Rice for Halloween

By Susan Cavity

Trick-or-treaters knocking on the White House door this Friday will have to wait 11 to 12 minutes for their treat, but the “weight” will be worth it. That’s because the Obamas, as part of First Lady Michelle Obama’s initiative to curb obesity in children and raise nutritional standards, will hand out grilled wild-caught salmon, organic spinach (lightly dressed with an olive oil and lemon vinaigrette), and whole-grain brown rice.

“It’s time to end the scary Halloween tradition of giving a child 5,000 pieces of sugary, fatty, crappy candy,” said Elizabeth Buckley, Assistant Secretary of State for Wholesome and Healthful Snacking in the Obama administration. “This tradition may have made sense three or four generations ago when candy was an occasional treat for children. But today we live in a culture of candy and cookies, with assorted and sordid sweets available during school, after school, before school, between school, around school, above school, below school, beside school, and at an angle to school.” 

“It’s enough already!” shouted Buckley.

Trick-or-treaters will receive grilled wild-caught salmon from the Obamas

Trick-or-treaters will receive grilled wild-caught salmon from the Obamas

Saying she was in the mood to name names and cast blame, Buckley named and blamed Hershey Co. and Mars Inc. for inundating children with “candy junk” containing nothing but sugar, corn syrup, saturated fat, hydrogenated oils, artificial flavors and colors. She screamed the names of Kit Kat, Reese’s, M&M’s, Snickers, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, and Hershey’s Cookies ‘N’ Crème. 

Asked why she was screaming, Buckley said she was angry and that she had tried to address the candy issue in a calmer, more reasoned manner but noted that such an approach hadn’t worked.

In addition to blaming candy companies for the extreme overconsumption of candy by American children, Buckley said she also blamed every parent in the United States.