One Snail and Two Oysters Share Nobel Prize in Psychology for Insight into Human Greed

By Dennis Overbite

A French snail and two American oysters received this year’s Nobel Prize in Human Psychology for discovering a causal link between underarm itch and greed—the latter quality defined as the excessive or rapacious desire for wealth.

Timothy Escargot, who speaks his native language poorly

Timothy Escargot, who speaks his native language poorly

Timothy Escargot, 71, an extremely slow researcher who never attended college and who speaks his native French language haltingly, will share the prize with Susan Quahog, 16, and Kenneth Pearlstein, 17—young lovers who take mostly advanced placement courses at Calamari High School in Rochester, Minn.

The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences, which awards the prize, said the three mollusks “had identified the aluminum-based compounds in antiperspirant/deodorant as the source of the underarm itch that causes the chronic irritability in people which in turn causes the tiny-minded, grotesquely selfish hoarding of money, property, and other assets.”

Susan Quahog, left, and Kenneth Pearlstein, also left, with friends at a Nobel victory celebration

Susan Quahog, left, and Kenneth Pearlstein, also left, with friends at a Nobel victory celebration

Awakened by a phone call from a bitter ex-boyfriend who told her of the prize, Quahog said she was “stunned, overjoyed, and feeling so emotionally generous” that she was considering getting back together with the ex-boyfriend, whose name is Marvin Krebsbach (available evenings at 612-555-1178).

Reached by phone, Krebsbach denied he was bitter about Quahog’s having broken up with him last December. “I’ve moved way beyond her,” he said. “I didn’t even mean to call her about the Nobel thing. It was a butt-dial, a total mistake.”