American Voters Sweep Democrats and Republicans Out of Office

By Jake Nostradamus

WASHINGTON (Nov. 5, 2014) — In a shocking and punishing defeat for Democrats and Republicans in Tuesday’s midterm elections, American voters swept all members of both parties out of office and refused to elect any challengers to fill the vacant seats. The outcome—the first such clearing of the Congressional decks in United States history—left a void in the nation’s capital while raising hopes across the rest of the country.

Although most House and Senate seats were not up for election, voters exercised a little-known constitutional right—called “bum tossing en masse”—allowing them to remove all Congressional officeholders and turn the lights off in the Capitol building for two years.

In exit interviews, Americans revealed apocalyptic levels of disgust toward politicians, politics, political campaigns, the media, the left, the right, and much of the center. The only Americans toward whom Americans did not feel hostile were Americans who identified as slightly left-of-center or slightly right-of-center on the political spectrum.

“Throwing everyone out of office and just shutting the whole place down felt like the right thing to do,” said Sharon Witsend, a hair stylist from Germantown, Pa. “Watching our Congress do nothing for the past few years has turned me and my friends into a bunch of anarchists. We’d rather get by without a House and a Senate.”

Others were more extreme. “Can’t we put all 535 of them on trial for negligence or treason or something,” said Kevin Pillberg, a teacher from Portland, Ore. “I mean they’ve done more harm than….Wait a second, they represent us, we voted them into office. We’re the ones who….Is it possible to put us on trial?”