What Big Wild Cats Want From Santa Claws

The following items are among the most popular gifts this year for lions, tigers, cougars, cheetahs, leopards and jaguars.

  • Habitat preservation or restoration kit (comes with safe and natural people-repellent spray)
  • Legislation allowing year-round open hunting of poachers
  • Coupon redeemable for one cage fight with a climate-change denier
  • Human-sized rawhide chew toys in the shape of climate-change deniers
  • A square foot of wilderness unspoiled by people and invisible to commercial developers
  • Cuddly Environmentalist Doll (push the belly button to activate a recording that says, “Corporations should pay less attention to short-term profits and more attention to long-term health and environmental effects”)
  • A spring and summer free of both acid rain and unpleasant people odors
  • Human Legislator Doll with accessories (including insertable brain and introductory science course with stickers, bubbles, and colored chalk)
  • Three-month trial subscription to tigerlove.com or savagecougar.net or leopards-in-leotards.com
  • Gift membership to a local den of Cheatin’ Cheetahs