By Jillian Christ
In a catastrophic setback for the nation’s major retailers, American shoppers stayed home on Black Friday weekend and read passages from the world’s great literature to their children. The act of defiance by consumers amounted to a wholesale repudiation of bankrupt commercial values in favor of a richer, deeper and more fulfilling way of life, according to Wall Street prophets and analysts.
Walmart, the Bentonville retailer that shuns American-made goods, reported disappointing sales over the preposterously hyped weekend, with combined store and online traffic of only 17 shoppers. Minneapolis-based Target counted 28 shoppers online and in its stores during the same time, noting that six of them purchased only candy and magazines.
“Americans vow never again to let retailers and advertisers seduce them into a shallow and stupid materialism,” said Joan Darcy, the newly elected spokesperson for two- and three-dimensional adults in the United States. “All this baby talk about Gray Thursday, Black Friday, Taupe Saturday, Butter Cream Yellow Sunday…well, it’s beneath them. Americans want to behave and be treated like grown-ups again.”
Darcy said most U.S. citizens now acknowledge the soul-shrinking effects of an obsession with 2-mile-wide flat-screen HDTVs and ADHD-inducing digital gadgets such as smartphones, iPads, youPads, wePads and weeweePads.
“Instead of staring like living corpses into screens both large and small—whether high, ultra or extreme definition—Americans spent the weekend reading classics of literature aloud to their family and friends,” added Darcy. “Children in particular were mesmerized by this line from Shakespeare:
For sweetest things turn sourest by their deeds;
Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds.