In Historic Move, Hillary Clinton Chooses Babar the Elephant as Running Mate

By Jamie Roth

In an unexpected move that caught both her husband and the American political establishment off guard, Hillary Clinton on Monday announced she had chosen a distinguished elephant as her running mate in the 2016 presidential race.

The elephant, widely known by his first name, Babar, was born in the jungle and soon orphaned but then grew up to be King of the Forest, according to a biographical fact sheet released by the Clinton campaign. Babar (D-Nev.) and his wife, Celeste, spent time in the San Diego Zoo before escaping in 1996 and making their way to an animal shelter near Carson City, after which Babar rose slowly but steadily and sometimes lumberingly through the ranks of Nevada government.

Political analysts and pachydermal pundits differed on whether the choice of an elephant as a running mate was either a shrewd or an idiotic decision. Some said the selection was a clever use of the G.O.P symbol because it would trick Republicans into thinking Clinton was running on a bipartisan ticket and thus would entice them to vote for her. Others said the risks involved in choosing an enormous, big-eared mammal for the first time were simply too great.

“Babar will surely help Clinton carry the crucial swing state of Nevada,” said CNN talker David Prattle. “But more than that, the elephant — a member of a seriously endangered species — will attract sympathy and support from all across America. It’s possible that nobody except the most hardened, petrified Republicans will vote against such a vulnerable animal.”

Fox News talker Suzy Cardboardia-Blondia disagreed, noting that Babar speaks little English and looks different from most people.  

“Not even Stalin-loving liberals and Bolsheviks would vote for a candidate who can’t speak English but only shrieks, bellows, squeals and trumpets,” said Cardboardia-Blondia, then pausing to dye her hair and whiten her teeth. “But I could be wrong about that because you know, and you know you know, that liberals are so literally liberal, so slippery and slipperal, or slibberal, just plain lib-libby-libberal.”