Long-Married Couple Cites Full Plate of “Unovercomeable” Differences
By Amanda Waffle
Breakfast Affairs Desk
One of the most durable marriages in history appears to be ending. Egg and Bacon have lived side by side for well over a thousand years; they’ve eaten together, been eaten together, slept together on the same bed of toast (dry or buttered) for so long that no one can recall a time when either was single. Fried or scrambled, boiled or poached, egg was rarely seen without bacon, their mutual love and devotion unquestioned by an adoring public.
But papers filed in Hennepin County District Court on Monday tell a different story, detailing years of acrimony, boredom, fatty edges, broken yolks and runny whites, as well as mutual accusations of being undercooked and oversalted.
The documents reveal that Egg and Bacon each blames their marital trouble on the other’s unhappy childhood in an industrial farming operation.
“I now see that he was made callous and insensitive from very early on,” Egg said of Bacon. “If you treat a piglet like a mechanized unit of production, cramming it into a filthy space with 2,500 others, he’s going to grow up to be a real pig. Bacon from such an animal would of course be a stunted, emotional wreck.”
Of Egg, Bacon said: “Her catalog of neuroses and insecurities finally made it impossible to love her. What can you expect of an egg laid by a hen who was confined all her life to an overcrowded wire cage, a hen prevented from engaging in any of the behaviors natural to a chicken, such as roosting, preening, foraging, and dust-bathing?”
In parallel announcements outside the courthouse, attorneys for Egg and Bacon said the couple has agreed to a trial separation, with “divorce a likely outcome if counseling does not bring about a reconciliation within six months.”
Sources close to the couple say divorce is a fait accompli, with Egg and Bacon each having moved on to new lives and new relationships. Although the pair did reunite briefly last month in their Minneapolis refrigerator, it was “more to say goodbye than to make up,” says a longtime pal of both. “Out of respect for the life they once had together, they wanted to divide up their favorite utensils—a copper fork, an antique spatula, a sauté pan that Elvis Presley had once fried them in. Things like that.”
This month has provided titillating hints about the future. Bacon, looking lean and crisp, debuted a budding romance with French Toast on July 18 when they attended a fundraiser for factory-farmed pigs at a Summit Avenue mansion in St. Paul, Minn. A few days later, the lovers jetted to Greece and were spotted sunbathing nude on the Aegean Island of Naxos. According to an eyewitness, “They were cozied up in a semi-private cabana, rubbing pure Vermont maple syrup onto each other.”
For her part, egg has not been playing the victim. “Let’s just say she’s not sitting home alone at night polishing her shell and examining her yolk,” says a lifelong friend. “In fact some of us think she’s been saying ‘yes’ to too many partners, most of them guys she’s known for years but never dreamed of dating, like ham, steak, and sausage. I guess she’s putting her toe in the oil and butter, seeing what’s out there.”