Human Obesity Spurs Bull Market in People Belly Futures

By Tabitha Farrow
Fake Food Specialist

A huge swelling or “ballooning” of the human stomach, particularly in the United States, is sending the value of people belly futures through the roof. Fed a steady diet of heavily processed, heavily marketed industrial food-like substances containing almost nothing but salt, sugar, and fat, the American variety of human being has attained unprecedented average girth and weight, thus becoming a welcome cash cow for traders and investors in the belly business.

“A record-setting bull market like this doesn’t happen overnight,” said Wayne Jamón, an account executive at Hockworth Commodities LLC in Chicago. “It begins in their schools, with adults feeding the kids a lot of really low-quality, virtually nutrient-free crap, and making available to them nearly unlimited amounts of super-sweetened beverages and factory-made snacks and treats. You know the stuff: additive-rich, artificially flavored chips, crackers, and ‘corn’ or ‘cheese’ puffs, along with plastic-wrapped cake, candy, cookies, frosted tarts and pastries fabricated anywhere from 1,500 to 4,000 miles away.”

The awful diet has lifted the spirits of packers and producers. Never before has their business been so brisk, with both the price of and demand for bellies continuing to rise. The gains are fueled by signs that Americans are serious but not all that serious about solving the epidemic of obesity undermining the health and well-being of their children. Just yesterday, belly futures for April delivery rose 4.9 percent to $6.237 a pound on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange (CME).

“We’ve never seen weights at these levels,” said Tilda Serrano, a belly economist at the University of Missouri in Columbia. “The industry has definitely found a winning strategy, which is to spend billions of dollars on clever junk food marketing while simultaneously arguing that the problem of obesity is entirely a matter of individual choice and self-discipline. That’s perfect, isn’t it? The kids have to learn restraint, but not food industry executives; they’re free to inundate children with manipulative advertising. How noble of them.”