By Clarissa Bullmother
Cattle Affairs Desk
In an action unprecedented in bovine history, 95 million cows launched the first in a series of nonviolent protests at dawn on Wednesday, effectively halting milk and beef production throughout the United States. The vast majority of American cows, with logistical help from more than 20 million bulls, fled their stalls and feedlots in a desperate attempt to form a bovine chain stretching from Milwaukee to Oklahoma City.
In a news release translated into English from Mooish, bovine organizers explained that the purpose of the chain was to disrupt car and truck traffic flowing both east and west in order to call attention to the inhumane and inbovine conditions to which most cows are subjected. The cows, nearly all of them mothers, say they will no longer accept the cruel treatment they and their families have endured at factory farms for the past 50 years.
According to an anonymous pamphlet containing instructions on the formation of the bovine chain, cows are directed to stand side by side with their front legs interlocked while swaying back and forth on their hind legs and mooing “softly yet persistently.”
“It couldn’t be more clear to us that human beings simply do not have consciences,” said Vivian Calfman, a Hereford confined to a manure-laden, 45,000-acre feedlot in east Texas. “If their Christianity and other religions allow people to abuse us the way they do, they may as well practice devil worship. The effect couldn’t be any worse for us.”
Calfman was referring to the ghoulish, dystopian conditions prevailing at factory farms or Concentrated Animal Feeding Operations (CAFOs), where cows are treated like production machines for milk and beef rather than like sentient beings.
“Yes, we’re bitter,” said Kathy Cheddarstein, a Guernsey who preferred not to disclose the name or location of her farm for fear of reprisal. “We live our drastically shortened lives in a state of forced, continuous pregnancy and milking in order to serve the human economy. And then when we’re sick or injured or too exhausted to walk or even stand—‘spent’ or ‘downed’ as the industry says—they drag or push us with bulldozers on the way to slaughter. Upset? Why would we be upset?”
Organizers have planned three separate protests. The second is scheduled to begin at midnight on March 12, when cows in North and South America will moo in unison for six hours to prevent people from sleeping. As many as 85 million cows are expected to join in what bovine leaders are calling a massive moo-do. The third and potentially most disruptive protest begins March 18, when dairy cows will begin tying off or “knotting” three of the four teats on their udders, thus severely limiting the amount of milk available to human beings.
“People drove us to this madness,” said Dabney Creamwich, an Ayrshire currently on a hunger strike. “They’ve bred us for unnaturally high levels of milk production; they feed us an unnatural diet that causes painful digestive disorders, and they repeatedly inject us with lab-engineered growth hormones (rBGH) so that we produce yet more milk. It’s gotten to the point where they now squeeze ten times more milk out of us than they did from our ancestors a few decades ago. We can’t do this anymore! We’re cows for god’s sake! Living animals, not milk rigs or industrial equipment.”
In a public relations campaign targeting all human beings, undercover cows have begun posting the Eleven Commandments above the doors of grocery stores, restaurants, and fast-food franchises, as well as in front of courthouses and factory farms. The unfamiliar Eleventh Commandment says: Thou shalt treat cows as their Creator would have you treat them.