By Whither Oleaginous Guzzleman
Green Desk on the Left
Knowing that global warming is real and dangerous but that it must be downplayed or denied for financial reasons, the oil and gas industries have announced plans to treat the symptoms but not the causes of climate change in hopes of deflecting attention from the truth.
“We’re not brainless drunken zombies,” said industry spokesperson Peter Unctuous. “Of course we know that fossil fuel emissions are the main cause of the rapid warming trend that’s messing with ecosystems and screwing with the web of earthly life, including our own. For the love of dirty fuel, we’re living smack-dab in the middle of an ongoing catastrophe, a mass extinction of species. But PR-wise it’s not such a big deal because people can’t pronounce the names of the godforsaken critters that are going extinct. Or they can’t see them because the tiny things are invisible, all those microorgans or microorgasms, I guess they’re called. Only the big ones should matter, is the way we feel.”
Wanting to do the right thing, though, the oil and gas industries plan to replace extinct species with electronic models of them, according to Unctuous. “As long as we have a pretty good idea of what the extinct stuff looked like, we can design pretty sophisticated replicas,” he said, his jaw slack and hanging to one side. “We’ve already stocked certain coastal waters with fish-bots and turtle-bots that are almost indistinguishable from the lost real things. Seriously, you should see the little propellers on their butts that make them go. And you know, these mechanical replicas of marine life have the advantage of being essentially immortal. They can’t die; they can only break down, in which case we can fix or replace them. How cool is that?”
Another symptom of global warming that the energy industry plans to treat is the melting of ice-covered areas like the Arctic, Antarctica, and Greenland—which raises sea levels and threatens to inundate low-lying coastal cities and regions.
“We’ve devised a two-pronged method of attacking and solving the problem,” said Unctuous. “To prevent the melting of polar ice caps, we’re going to erect vast freezer domes over the North and South poles, with thermostats in each that allow us to control and monitor temperatures. As a precautionary measure, in case the darn ice caps melt anyway, we’re gonna relocate coastal cities like New York and Philadelphia. The plan is to move them inland anywhere from 200 to 600 miles, depending on the price and availability of land. A possible site for New York lies about 40 miles southwest of Akron, Ohio, and would require the annexation of only a handful of smaller towns.”
The New York relocation would be funded by Charles and David Koch, the infamous brothers recently convicted by the U.S. Supreme Court of “caring little for the future of the planet.” The Kochs (pronounced “kooks”) released a wordy statement saying they had no comment on the matter.