By Carmen Dioxide
Toxic Industrial Waste Desk
Discount clothing retailers Target and Walmart have announced plans to install climate-changing rooms next to fitting rooms in stores throughout the United States.
“We want to accommodate overdressed shoppers who deny the reality of global warming yet still experience it in the form of dripping sweat and appalling odor,” said Lori Tar-Wal, a spokesperson for both Target and Walmart. “The climate-changing rooms will allow these guests to remove excessive layers of clothing in a private space while also hiding their shame at denying the fact of global warming, its dire significance, and its link to the use of dirty energy.”
Oil industry–funded attempts to dismiss the seriousness of climate change have further implicated human beings in the disruption of ecosystems and the ongoing mass extinction of species around the world. More worrisome though than the widespread and permanent loss of plant and animal life on earth is the effect of global warming on human comfort and convenience.
“People wearing any clothing at all will begin to experience 20 to 30 times more wetness and stickiness than they’re accustomed to,” said Clara Greenhouse, a climatologist currently serving a 14-year prison term for compiling accurate climate data in the United States. “And the nasty sour smell that accompanies such moisture will surely exacerbate an already severe unpleasantness.”
With this in mind, Target and Walmart also plan to install showers next to the climate-changing rooms.
“Guests reeking of B.O. in our stores should have a safe, comfortable place to undress and rinse off,” said Tar-Wall. “And we’ll provide the soap free of charge if they promise to use it.”