By Moses Johnson
In a hastily organized press conference held at dawn on Tuesday, the authentic Messiah announced his/her/its arrival on earth, saying he/she/it was “deeply disappointed by the astonishing levels of greed and selfishness among the privileged people of the world.” The unique event, attended by 40,000 human beings as well as 350,000 plants and animals (both wild and domesticated) was held at Madison Square Garden in New York City.
Unshaven and poorly dressed, the Savior cut short a planned 3,000-year vacation in order to “deal with moral and ethical emergencies on the planet,” according to a tweet he/she/it sent to 650,000 followers—a message that was retweeted to 1.4 billion others.
Speaking to a nervous and mostly silent audience, the Messiah was visibly angry at having to return much sooner than expected. “Honestly, I thought I could take some time off and not have to hire a babysitter for the human race, but…but look what happens: fights break out everywhere, brothers hit and kick each other; the big kids hog all the toys and eat up the good food. So I get a voice message from one of you telling me I’d better come back right away. Jesus Christ, this is upsetting! I put brains in your skulls so you’d use them.”
The Savior paused and rubbed his/her/its forehead and then sipped from what appeared to be a 48-ounce energy drink. “All right,” he/she/it continued, “Once again, these are the rules; take notes if you can’t remember them:
- No fighting
- Share the toys
- Big kids help the little kids
- Do your chores and homework
- Keep the house clean (the planet is your house)
- Love, or like, or respect, or tolerate your neighbor (though if he/she/it does anything evil, such as luring vulnerable girls into a life of drug-use and prostitution, then oppose him/her/it with all your might)
- You are all neighbors, whether plant, animal or human being
“I’m going to return now to the remote galaxy that I rented for some peace and quiet—and to catch up on the films in my Netflix queue. I am dearly hoping not to get any more emergency texts or phone calls from any of you. So for the last time (and this is the only time you’ll ever hear me swear): Follow the goddamned rules and get along with each other. If I have to come back again, I’m gonna kick some ass.”
Finally, the Savior urged English speakers to reform their language, citing the need for a pronoun that combines and transcends “he, she, and it.” Candidates for the new pronoun include “heesh, sheem, herm, isht, and itter.”