By Raymond Goath
Over the past decade, while animals have adhered to traditional forms of mating and sex, human beings have adopted radical new approaches to these essentials of mammalian life. Animals continue to select a mate similar in shape and size to themselves, whereas the human trend is to choose a tiny handheld partner, a lover that fits into a back pocket for easy access and storage.
But it’s not so much the disparity in size between human mates that has caused the animal kingdom to raise a collective eyebrow; it’s more the bizarre nature and compulsive frequency of the new sexual behavior.
“In public or in private, people now reach for their lover anywhere from 50 to 150 times a day and engage in the most unusual type of love-making ever observed,” says Robert Gill, a bluefin tuna who studies primate sexuality at the College of Urban Beasts in Miami. “They cup the lover in their hand and trace a finger across the lover’s lower belly, apparently as foreplay. Then they repeatedly touch and tap the lover’s neck, chest, belly and lower parts; but rather than smile and giggle during this elaborate finger dance, as one would expect them to do, they study the lover as if working through a logic puzzle.”
“Occasionally,” continued Gill, “they press the tiny lover to their ear and begin talking, as if the lover might need instruction or encouragement during what appears to be the final phase of love-making. Such behavior is curious and troubling.”
Specialists in human sexual pathology agree that the behavior is deviant. “The compulsive clutching or caressing of a flat and rectangular lover is without precedent in human history,” according to Linda Rutter, a post-doctoral deer conducting research on device-driven erotomania in hominids. “We are witnessing what would seem to be a cult of sexual addiction among the vast majority of people—an attachment to the lover’s body so intense that people must clutch it or die of iPhonia Coitus Dementia.”
Rutter continued, “We find nothing in the extensive literature on mammalian sexuality to indicate that such aberrant behavior is sustainable. It if continues, the population will surely fail to reproduce itself. Holding one’s tiny lover to an ear, regardless of the intensity or duration of the pressing, can never result in conception. The ear canal is ill-suited to this purpose.”