Plants and Animals Enter 2016 US Presidential Race

In one of the more surprising developments leading up to the 2016 U.S. presidential election, at least a dozen plants and animals have taken the unprecedented step of entering the race. With human behavior threatening both the physical health of the earth and the mental health of God, the unlikely candidates say that human elections have become far too important to let people alone run in them.

Beginning with this issue of The Parsnippety, candidates will offer personal statements and summaries of their policy priorities.

Prairie Sagewort (Artemisia biennis)

The issue of illegal immigration, leading to unwanted pollination, is what got me into this race. The unregulated influx of foreign pollen is by far the greatest menace to flowers in our country.
Think about it: You’ve got un-American pollen flying around everywhere—coming from Mexico, Canada, Europe and Russia—floating into the U.S. and attaching itself to the female parts of naïve plants. Do you have any idea how many innocent flowers are fertilized and forced to reproduce in this manner? It’s unconscionable.

The answer is to set up a pollen net over and around the entire United States. The high-tech, micro-mesh net would catch each and every undocumented pollen grain trying to waft unseen into this country. And then no more would our native flowers have to cover themselves at night or wear the uncomfortable pollen-protectors that many botanical parents have purchased for their seedling daughters. As a result, pollination and reproduction would occur morally and willingly, via domestic breezes or by American bees, flies, moths, bats, and hummingbirds.

The other solution, contemplated by progressives and libertarians, would be to distribute condoms to foreign flowers for use on their male part, the stamen, which produces the pollen. But critics say the U.S. lacks both the authority and competence to ensure that foreign plants wear the condoms, and I tend to agree with that.

Appearing next in The Parsnippety’s candidate forum will be Swamp Milkweed (Asclepias incarnata).