McDonald’s Adds Instantaneous Food Options to Menu

By Cynthia Wattle
Gut Desk

Responding to customer demand for faster food, McDonald’s has added instantaneous food options to its menu. Hungry customers in a hurry can now take advantage of “pump-injection” meals at the drive-thru window, a service made possible by breakthroughs in both defense and medical technologies.

“When we say these meals take no time at all,” says McDonald’s spokesrobot Thomas Crapper, “we literally mean ‘no time at all’. We’ve clocked the average pump-injection mealtime at 0.00004 one hundredths of a second. In comparison, eating fast food the traditional way—manually—takes anywhere from 3 to 9 minutes, which we think is a waste of people’s time.”

The pump-injection meals are served as follows. At the drive-thru window the attendant prompts the customer to open his or her mouth as wide as possible. The attendant then guides a sterilized flexible tube into the customer’s mouth and asks the customer to close his or her lips around the tube, forming a seal. When the customer signals readiness by blinking, the attendant pumps a meal down the customer’s throat.

The customer may then drive away. Payment is processed automatically when sensors in the feeding tube detect the customer’s unique saliva type and match it with bank records.

Available in three sandwich varieties (Factory Beef & Cheddar, Chemical Bacon BBQ, and Gooey Pork Surprise), the pump-injection meals are already popular among parents in a hurry who have little hope of ever not being in a hurry.