Ultimate Referee Blows Whistle on Humanity

By Kendra Magdalene

At the 5,960-year mark of a 10,000-year sporting season, the Ultimate Referee blew the whistle on human civilization and stopped play, calling an end to the hopes of this once promising junior varsity league from the Milky Way Galaxy. The referee cited an accumulation of wicked fouls and beastly infractions that could no longer be overlooked.

“In my 4.9 billion years of reffing intra-species games, I can honestly say I’ve never witnessed such barbarous play,” the referee said. “Human coaches put too many goons and enforcers out there on the field, which leads to a lot of cheap shots and fighting. Most of the blame though lies with the fans and spectators, who may as well be called savages; they clearly want blood and they most certainly desire brutality.”

In addition to 47.2 million instances of offsides, the referee listed these fouls committed by human teams: tripping, holding, interference, high-sticking, roughing, bombing, rape, torture, maiming, and slaughter.

The combined penalty for such infractions is 1,000 years of enforced sleep, with continuous nightmares.