LEAKED: Menu from McBurger Demon: A New Fast-Food Chain

Owners of a new fast-food chain set to open in early July are outraged by the leak of the restaurant’s menu, which had been hidden in a locked vault that was encased in pure fat and surrounded by 87 barrels of salt and sugar.

A fatty-oil-stained copy of the menu was faxed anonymously to The Parsnippety early Monday morning.

MENU Highlights
Angus BBQ Hickory-Smoked Chipotle Bacon Ranch Southwestern Baja Burger
A thick and juicy salt patty held together with industrial beeflike material, marketed with a lot of words and images that evoke a rugged and authentic lifestyle. Truthful advertising would require that the words and images evoke a landscape of obese children and adults with hypertension and high cholesterol—people eventually to be felled by stroke or heart attack.

Premium Honey Mustard Bacon Ranch Crispy Chicken BLT Campfire Wild West Salad
Pretend salad with nutrient-free lettuce and a few token vegetables manufactured somewhere in New Jersey, tossed with salty sticks made of chicken parts and topped with chemically thickened and flavored dressing, sweetened and packaged overseas.

McTrio Snack-Size Sandwiches
Saltwich, Sugarwich, Fatwich

Oily Fries
Salty pacifiers for grownups. Salt is mixed with deep-fried potato matter and served in three sizes: large, extra-large, and wheelbarrow.
Salted Caramel Nutty Fudge 19-Layer Candy Bar Ice Cream Cake 
Choice of two toppings: Sweet Salt or Salty Sugar.

Thirst-Killer (Life-Taker)
A carbonated drink, sugar-sweetened to a degree unprecedented in human history, or sweetened with a sugar substitute considered scary by everyone but the industries that profit from it.