By Sabrina Maltcup
It’s that time of year again, fans! On Tuesday evening, animals with the finest character traits will gather at Target Field in Minneapolis to determine who is the most self-aware, the most thoughtful, the least petty, and the least infantile.
The game, beginning at 7 p.m., requires players to participate in a series of mock dramas involving family and friends. On-field simulations of painful inter-animal dynamics will tempt creatures to exhibit rage and hostility, and to behave in appallingly childish and immature ways. Judges will award scores based on the grace, humility, and self-awareness that animals display in responding to the painful stimuli.
This year, the AGCL (Animal Good Character League) will introduce the Lucy Bella Dobson Award, given to the player who, over the course of a season, proves to be the least capable of blaming others for his or her own problems.
“It’s time we acknowledge a creature who shows no trace of narcissism,” said AGCL Commissioner Maggie Spot Ginger. “We want to honor someone who does not stupidly lash out at others when self-awareness and self-analysis are called for.”
To qualify for the Animal All-Star Game, beasts must have at least three dimensions to their personalities. Tuesday’s competition will feature two players with four-dimensional personalities: Peter Woolly and Katherine Furry.
Older fans may recall watching Edward Hairy play in the 1962 All-Star Game. He was the only player in AGCL history with a five-dimensional personality. Whenever his team lost, he blamed only himself.