By Crass Pluto

Economic inequality in the United States has gotten so bad that our nation can now be described as inequalitarianistic. Our new form of government is inequalitarianisticalism. 

The richest 1 percent of American citizens own more wealth than the bottom 90 percent. Read that sentence again. OK, now read it again more slowly. Now read the sentence backwards, starting with the period, like this: “.percent 90 bottom the than wealth more own citizens…”

With that in mind, let’s take a closer look at the numbers. In 2012, the richest 1 percent of Americans owned all the wealth in the country until they decided, at Christmastime, to give some of it to the people beneath them. Specifically, the rich gave each poor American a set of U.S. commemorative coins worth $54.95—with the understanding that if the coins rose in value, the rich could reclaim them.

In our land of opportunity—the home of the free and the brave—38 families possess 99 percent of all the money, which includes all paper money, gold bricks, silver coins, art and antiques, candy and gum, as well as anything of any real material value. Now, of these 38 families, only seven of them pay close attention and actually control the wealth. And of these seven, only two maintain day-to-day operational oversight of investments and manipulations.

In truth, one of the two families (the Swansons) is much more influential than the other (the Andersons) and makes nearly all the decisions that matter in regard to the nation’s money. What does this mean?

Essentially it means that the Swansons pretty much run things here in the United States. Not entirely of course, but you know, more or less, the Swansons hold the big rudder and sort of steer the rickety ship.

To be fair, the Swansons planned ahead and worked hard and so earned their money. They deserve all they have. But it has to be said that most of the Swansons—in fact all of them except Dick—are quite lazy. It’s really Dick who was smart and did all the work. Without him, the whole financial operation would have collapsed 35 years ago.

It all comes down to Dick Swanson then. With his brains and work ethic, the 38 families that own 99 percent of America’s wealth will get to keep it, except for the portion they give away during the holidays.

We all owe a big thank-you to these families, and especially to Dick.

Thank you, Dick!