By Kenneth C. Alis
A sudden epidemic of erectile dysfunction, as opposed to the impact of a comet or an asteroid, appears to have been the main cause of the extinction of dinosaurs at the end of the Cretaceous geological period 65 million years ago.
That was the eyebrow-raising conclusion of a team of researchers who presented evidence last week at the 4th annual "Limp Sauropods Conference" in Madison, Wisc.
“Examination of the fossil record reveals a sharp decline in sexual performance among male dinosaurs near the end of the Cretaceous,” said Donald Boorman, a paleontologist at the University of Chicago and the chief PowerPoint operator of the research team. “Before this period we find an abundance of well-preserved erections in the ancient lakebeds of North America and Siberia. In fact, just six weeks ago my team discovered the fully erect, petrified phallus of an Apatosaurus—an instrument 19.2 feet in length and 3.3 feet in circumference. Impressive even by dinosaurian standards. It’s now being transported by tractor-trailer to the American Museum of Natural History in New York.”
“But after about 150 million years of erectile strength,” continued Boorman, “there’s an abrupt dropping off, or what we call the Great Droop. In my upcoming book—‘The Fall of the Phallus in Horned Ceratopsids and Duck-Billed Hadrosaurs’—I offer possible explanations for the sudden, catastrophic plague of impotence. The most plausible answer, I think, is sheer exhaustion. The burden of raising or hoisting, as it were, a penis that could weigh nearly a ton was finally too great. Erections everywhere collapsed under their own weight, and with them the dinosaurs. End of story.”
Not all scientists agree with Boorman’s novel thesis. “The man is a penis-obsessed moron with the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old boy,” said Karen Bernstein, a Columbia University professor specializing in the obscure field of paleo-orthodontics. “This is a guy who once claimed to have found the fossilized penis of his grandfather in the sediments of a Pleistocene-era river basin. He’s a nut ball.”
In response, Boorman referred readers to Bernstein’s doctoral thesis, which claims that some dinosaurs—Pachycephalosaurs in particular—had orthodontic work done on them.