By Bea Pea
In a hastily organized press conference that aired Monday evening on all cable channels except ESPN, NASA scientists confirmed they had discovered intelligent life on a planet 950 light-years from earth.
The unnamed planet orbits an unnamed sun in an unnamed quadrant of the Milky Way Galaxy, spurring competition among corporations for naming rights to the sun and the quadrant, with Pepsi already having secured naming rights to the planet.
NASA spokeswoman Jillian Higgs said thousands of photographs taken by the Kepler space observatory offer clear proof of conscious beings apparently thriving in an advanced civilization, using a language possibly more sophisticated than any known to humans.
“The startling thing is that the beings or life forms—we’re not sure what to call them yet—are a kind of vegetation with faces, something like humanoid flowering bushes,” according to Higgs. “Imagine a civilization of lilac bushes with millions of tiny, lavender faces in permanent bloom. That's what we're talking about here.”
Despite having a cognitive ability similar to or even superior to humans, the Lilac People (as scientists have dubbed them) have not primarily applied their intelligence to making technical or material advancements in their societies. Instead their focus has been on making moral and ethical improvements.
“It’s extraordinary,” said Higgs, “as smart as they are, the Lilac People don’t carry smartphones; they use the dumbest, most out-of-date phones you’ve ever seen, but that doesn’t bother them because they don’t care much about phones. These people can’t even make a toaster that works most of the time.”
“In human society,” continued Higgs, “every six months we increase the speed of our computer chips and improve the performance of our technology; whereas in Lilac society it seems that every six months they improve their moral insight and speed up their ethical actions. Such a contrast raises the question: What’s the best use of intelligence?”