Sweet Corn Enters Rehab, Confesses Addiction to Glyphosate

By Donald Onion

Icon of innocence, staple of summer picnics, symbol and backbone of the American way of life—Sweet Corn is all of these things. But now it has admitted to being another thing as well (also common to the American way of life)—an addict.

Saying it is tired of leading a double life, Sweet Corn on Monday confessed to a 40-year addiction to glyphosate, the dangerous active ingredient found in the most commonly used weed-killers in the world. Sprayed heavily on corn and soybeans, glyphosate is marketed under trade names such as Monsanto’s Roundup and Tenkoz’s Buccaneer.

“I was a wreck, my life had become totally unmanageable,” said Sweet Corn at a press conference arranged by organic friends and family members. “By day I was flashing buttery smiles at carnivals and state fairs, showing up at picnics and making everyone happy; but by night I was always desperate for a fix, a packet or a spray of “glyph”—I couldn’t live without the stuff. I’d call or text my dealer (Mr. Monsanto) and he'd set me up with whatever I needed.”

The pressure of living up to its pure and wholesome image led Sweet Corn to seek relief in glyphosate, a drug promising an easy, weed-free life. But as addiction took hold, Sweet Corn started to behave erratically, failing to show up for scheduled appearances at fairs and carnivals. 

“If I couldn’t score any ‘glyph,’ I’d stay home and gnaw my cob endings until I’d eaten myself to the middle. Sometimes I’d even shuck myself and run into the street without any husks on, naked as a pulled carrot. And if I did happen to show up for a family picnic, I’d disappoint the grown-ups and make the kids cry, because my cob had no corn on it, just a few dried up kernels. I was sick.”

Sweet Corn has now checked itself into a residential substance-abuse program at the Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage, Calif., and is optimistic about treatment.

“My hope is to return for the summer of 2015, drug free and healthy, with a yellow complexion and bursting with plump and tasty kernels. I can’t wait to be eaten again.”