Plants and Animals Vote Against War on People, Opting to Wait Them Out

By William Azalea

In a fateful, predawn vote on Monday at a remote and abandoned barn in northern Minnesota, the Plant and Animal Kingdoms rejected the use of violence as a response to humanity’s comprehensive assault on them. 

The Minnesota barn where plants and animals met in an emergency session of the BioCongress

The Minnesota barn where plants and animals met in an emergency session of the BioCongress

Two hundred seventeen delegates representing the major classes of plant and animal life across the globe met in an emergency session of the BioCongress to plan a course of action against human aggression. A proposal to declare war, put forth by a coalition of endangered species, was defeated by a vote of 139 to 78.

“Let me be clear,” said Elizabeth Steelhead Trout, leader of the majority. “We have chosen not to take up arms against people, even though we would be entirely justified in doing so. They have destroyed much of our habitat, leaving us with smaller and smaller spaces on which to live and raise our children. In many cases they have left us with no space at all, condemning us to outright extinction. In other cases we have managed to live but must do so in the foul, polluted conditions that their greedy habits and unthinking excesses have created.”

Steelhead Trout continued: “We observe, though, that the harm they do to us comes ultimately around to them; and that the violence they inflict on themselves, through soulless materialism and religious fanaticism, is far more lethal than any violence we could organize against them. So we choose to wait them out. Surviving as best we can, using every ingenious trick that nature has taught us, we will watch as humans defeat and destroy themselves.”

“‘Resist not evil,’ one of the greatest human prophets taught, an instruction ignored by people for 2,000 years. Well then,” — and with this Steelhead Trout put down her gavel — “we plants and animals will be the first to follow it, come what may.”