Two Peas in a Podcast: An Interview with a Bean

We, Betty and Warren Seed-Hoot, are pleased to introduce a new podcast—Two Peas in a Podcast—with hosts Wendy and Noah Pea. Their first interview is with a bean, Alexandra Pinto-Chickpea, a chef and entrepreneur who in 1994 established the first American restaurant with only one item on the menu: bean dip. 

Speaking of firsts, ours is the first podcast in the United States that does not use audio recording equipment, given that most of our guests—fruits and vegetables—communicate mainly through facial contortions and body positioning. Thus we translate all interviews into a universally understood English and provide a written transcript. Enjoy!

    *        *        *        *                

Noah: Welcome to the show, Alexandra. Are you a regular listener of Two Peas in a Podcast?

Alexandra: This is your first podcast, Noah, so how could I be a regular listener, and you don’t do audio so how could I be a listener of the podcast at all? Not a brilliant first question, was it, Noah?

Noah: So, we’re off to a slow start—there’s no shame in that. I listened to a lot of podcasts in preparation for ours, and they usually begin with something like, “Hello, Donna, can you hear me?” or “Hi, Richard, are we on?”

Alexandra: That’s fascinating.

Noah: Wendy, do you have the list of questions?

Wendy: You were going to bring it

Noah: I was?

Wendy: Yeah.

Noah: Oh.

Alexandra: Are you guys for real? Tell me I didn’t just fly 1,500 miles on Bean Airways to be interviewed by a couple of pea brains.

Wendy: Hey, what’s with the name-calling?

Noah: Yeah, and who are you to….Wait, we are pea brains, or we have them. We’re peas, so what’s so bad about—

Wendy: Shut up, Noah, let’s just get started.

Noah: OK, Alexandra, what exactly is a bean?

Alexandra: You tell me, I have no idea.

Wendy: Aren’t you a bean? 

Alexandra: Obviously.

Wendy: Well, then what are you?

Alexandra: I’m a bean.

Noah: Hey that rhymes with “lima bean.”

Wendy: What does?

Noah: “I’m a bean” rhymes with “lima bean.”

Alexandra: Are you guys kidding me?

Noah: Say it yourself: “I’m a…” and then “lima.” Hear the rhyme?

Wendy: Yeah, kind of interesting.

Alexandra: Are you two living or dead?  I feel as if I’m being interviewed by inanimate matter.

Noah: What’s inanimate?

Alexandra: Your brain, Noah.

Wendy: Hey now!

Alexandra: Stay out of this, Wendy.

Wendy: He’s my husband and you’re not gonna—

Alexandra: Not gonna what? Tell you that you married a pinheaded pea? Rhymes with…let’s see…mentally inert legume.

Noah: That doesn’t rhyme.

Wendy: Oh my Lord of Peas, help us. Let’s move on. Alexandra, your restaurant serves only bean dip, is that right?

Alexandra: That’s right.

Wendy: Doesn’t “dip” imply there’s something to dip into the bean dip? Don’t you have corn chips or pita bread or something?

Alexandra: Only bean dip. If customers want to they can dip bean dip into the bean dip.

Noah: As many times as they want to?

Wendy: Noah, let me do this. Alexandra Pinto-Chickpea, talk about the many different kinds of beans: kidney beans, navy beans, fava beans. And your very own parental beans: As we understand it, your mother was a pinto bean and your father was a chickpea (or a garbanzo bean), is that right?

Alexandra: No, my mom was a red bean who died in a Mexican restaurant. She’s buried in a compost heap with thousands of other refried beans.  I’d rather not talk about it.

Wendy: I’m so sorry. And your dad?

Alexandra: My dad, he was a soybean who died horribly in a Japanese restaurant when he and other soybeans resisted being made into edamame. He was a hero, my dad was.

Noah: I’m sorry for your loss. Do you like edamame?

Wendy: Noah, please shut up.

Noah: Me?

Alexandra: Are we done?

Noah: With the podcast?

Alexandra: No, with the swimsuit competition.

Wendy: Yes, we’re finished. Thank you for being here, Alexandra.