Peas and Carrots to Divorce

By Dahlia Tennyson

After 106 years of what both describe as a bland and loveless marriage, Peas and Carrots have agreed to a no-fault divorce, with the unusual stipulation that neither vegetable is allowed to move out of the rural Ohio house the couple has shared since 1908.

Peas and Carrots will divorce but still live together

Peas and Carrots will divorce but still live together

In a joint statement released to the press Wednesday afternoon, the couple said: “To be honest, we have never felt much love and certainly no passion for each other. We tried in our different ways to add zest to the marriage—Peas brought home butter, Carrots poured on the salt and pepper—but when the initial excitement of these novelties faded, we were left with what we always had: a dull relationship.”

Despite the divorce, Peas and Carrots will continue living together because each lacks the will and energy to move out and neither of them wants to find a new place to live, according to the statement.

“The more we think about it, the more we realize the divorce won’t really change anything. We’ll shuffle around the house in our pajamas as we always do, making sure light switches are off, folding any Pea or Carrot laundry, brushing our tiny teeth, and praying that our children grow up healthy and whole, without chemicals sprayed on them.”