N.H.I. Admits to Transplanting Squirrel Brains into Americans’ Skulls at Birth

By Jane Kessel

After years of denial, the National Health Institute on Wednesday admitted it had conceived and implemented a secret program to remove the brains of Americans at birth and to transplant squirrel brains into the empty skulls. The program, dubbed “Acorn Head” by government scientists, was operational from May, 1958, to November, 1996.

N.H.I. officials said the purpose of the transplants was to create a simpler, more instinctive and animalistic American, “without making them nut-gathering or tail-bearing.”

“The idea was to design a populace that would be easy to lead, a primitive people that would care mainly about eating and shopping and watching sports,” Dr. Ronald T. Medulla, a senior N.H.I. adviser on docility, said in an email. “We especially wanted to dull if not flatten completely the sharp sense of conscience in people, which can make them such a nuisance to war-mongering politicians and to billionaire oligarchs obsessed with money and power. All this chatter about ethics, civilian death tolls, health care for the masses, environmental destruction, corporate responsibility — all that chatter had to be stopped somehow. For God’s sake, we’re a Christian nation, but not that Christian.”

A squirrel brain, roughly the size of a walnut, was inserted into the vacuumed-out skulls of all American infants born during the program’s operation. A small number of the infants, though human in outward form, developed too many squirrel-like traits and behaviors and thus failed to adapt to their human families. In these cases, the infants were introduced to and adopted by actual squirrel families.

“But the vast majority of transplants were successful beyond anything we had hoped for,” said Medulla. “Today most Americans hardly do any real thinking at all; the news media sits them in a highchair, puts a bib on them and spoon-feeds them applesauce and pureed news, and then pats them on the back and burps them. These are the citizens we wanted, and the citizens we got.”