Careless Angel Leaves Copy of God’s New Year’s Resolutions on Café Table

An unemployed guardian angel mistakenly left behind a copy of God’s 2016 New Year’s resolutions on a café table in New York City on Wednesday, exposing human beings to forbidden knowledge and angering the Lord, the unseen and mysterious First Cause of everything.

The divine resolutions, intended for distribution to angels only, were picked up by a woman lunching alone at The Big Data Café in lower Manhattan. The woman, a temp worker without health insurance and in need of dental care, immediately recognized the importance of the resolutions and delivered them to the New York Times.

A Times spokesperson said the newspaper would publish the resolutions in its Human Fate section on Sunday.

The Parsnippety meanwhile has obtained a copy of the resolutions and provides them to its readers here and now. The six resolutions are as follows:

  • Stop agonizing over what to do about people and their appalling inhumanity to one another. Give people one more year, until January 1, 2017, to act on  as if love of others really does matter and really is the supreme value in human life. If they don’t show meaningful progress in this area, then put an end to the human experiment.
  • Stop being so shy and indirect. If I really am a personal God, as so many of my followers insist, then get personal and get in people’s faces. Remind them that I do not care if they believe in me or have faith in me if such belief and faith do not inspire them to love their neighbors, throughout the world, as themselves.
  • Stop overlooking the sins of nations. Don’t just get in people’s faces; get in the faces of their governments. Remind kings, presidents and prime ministers, as well as all government officials, elected and unelected, that a selfish nation is far worse than a selfish person, for obvious reasons. Mention also that the penalty for those who make war is to be maimed, burned, and slaughtered in exactly the same way as children in war zones were.
  • Stop overlooking the sins of corporations. A company that poisons the environment is a company that poisons infants and children. A corporation that markets and sells unhealthy junk is a corporation that causes illness and early death.
  • Stop enabling people in their moral sloth and laziness. Look them in the eye and tell them that they do not have forever to overcome the primitive habits of greed and violence. Tell them that I have set a deadline of 2016, by which time they must show serious moral improvement or be replaced by another, more intelligent, more human and humane species.
  • Stop being ambivalent about the punishment for those who mistreat animals. The punishment for any kind of cruelty to an animal is to be turned into a red squirrel and placed in the deadly talons of a healthy and hungry great horned owl.