Science Shocker: Rising Global Temperatures Will Caramelize People and Char Earth’s Surface within 18 Months

Climate change has accelerated to the point where the term “global warming” must now be replaced by a term like “global grilling” or “global searing,” according to a recent statement signed by 99.86 percent of all living scientists.

As a result, the statement concludes, “large segments of the human population will experience a slow and painful caramelization over the next 18 months, with visible symptoms — notably a loosening or ‘jellying’ of the skin — expected to appear as early as next week.”


Along with the physical cost in terms of pain and hideous outward appearance, global grilling will exact an alarming financial cost, reducing or even erasing property values as houses and other real estate become charred or turn to ash.

“Trying to avoid the devastation by retreating into one’s home — if it still exists — and watching ‘NCIS’ or ‘Dancing with the Stars’ or ‘Monday Night Football’ will provide no relief,” the statement says. “Rising temperatures will effectively unplug the entire power grid, leaving more energy in a single AAA battery than is available from any regional electric utility. TVs will go dark; computers will die. A black market for backyard-generated electricity will then emerge, selling scarce watts and volts for hundreds of times their current value — thus allowing only the rich and undeserving to view an occasional golf match or an episode of ‘Game of Thrones.’”

In its final paragraph, the statement says that scientists for obvious reasons felt compelled to slightly overstate the immediate effects of climate change on people. “Human beings, in their current dumbed-down condition, apparently will not take serious action against an apocalyptic threat like global warming until it’s too late — so we’ve added a touch of color and drama to the story in hopes of motivating them. But just because their skin won’t likely turn to jelly in the next few weeks doesn’t mean it won’t happen by early 2018.”