Lettuce and Cabbage Exchange Wedding Vows

After dating on and off since meeting in an irrigated field six years ago, Lettuce and Cabbage were married Tuesday in an outdoor ceremony at a friend’s ranch in Arizona. The Rev. Mary S. Kohlrabi, a Cruciferous priest, officiated.  

Lettuce, dressed in oil & vinegar and wearing red-onion earrings with a matching garlic crouton brooch, was escorted down the aisle by her stepfather, Dr. Romaine Butterhead of rural Houston. Bridesmaids wore fresh loose-leaf gowns with snow-pea straps and steamed kale bodices.

Cabbage, shredded and tossed with a warm cider vinaigrette, is the stepson of the late Katherine Sprout and William Brussels, both crushed to death in a harvesting accident at a California farm in 1994. The best man was Bruce Floret of Miami.

Lettuce's previous marriage to Cauliflower ended in divorce in 2004.

“Despite the rot and fungal disease left by her first marriage, Lettuce is super excited to be hitched again,” said a longtime friend of the couple. “She plans to wash up and spend two weeks in a crisper in hopes of getting rid of her brown edges. And Cabbage is happier and in better shape than I’ve ever seen him. He’s peeled off a lot of his spotty and wilted outer leaves so he’s now about half the size he used to be. I’m just so excited for both of them.”