God Sets November 1 as Judgment Day, Giving People 3 Weeks to Put Affairs in Order

After 200,000 years of mostly confusion and turmoil, God’s experiment of placing semi-intelligent life on a rotating sphere without chaperons will soon come to an end. In a text message sent Wednesday to The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal, God announced that Sunday, Nov. 1, would be Judgment Day.

“At exactly 8 a.m. in each time zone I will call out the names of all people and — as promised in the Gospel of Matthew — judge them on how they responded to the needs of the poor and homeless, the sick and desperate, the outcast and imprisoned,” the text said. God withheld details about the rewards and punishments awaiting individuals, noting only that heaven was the size of a typical residential garage while hell was the size of Texas.


Clearly exasperated by human behavior, God added that people in general — “the rich in particular” — were so profoundly selfish and immoral as to border on the satanic. The Almighty’s tone was withering:

“In place of my lost patience I now feel only anger and dismay. It surpasses belief that, throughout life, most of you were more concerned with your own comfort and convenience than with the welfare of little children, many of whom writhed in pain or suffered varieties of abuse and neglect while you sought mainly to protect your private wealth and enhance your personal security.”

In conclusion, God wrote: “You did not have forever to overcome the primitive habits of greed and violence. The moral catastrophe of human society could not go on and on and on — at some point it would have to end, and now it will.”