Archaeologists working in northwestern Montana have unearthed a large fragment of what is thought to be the oldest restaurant menu ever found. Made of bison leather and protected by a laminate of stretched muskrat intestine, the menu — estimated to be at least 12,000 years old — offers meat, fish, and vegetarian main dishes, including a daily “Marrow Special.”
Written in an obscure and only partially deciphered language known as Bozeman Script, the menu was translated for The Parsnippety as follows:
Irg’s Mud-Hut Eatery
We Hunt & Gather for You!
Medallions of Speared Woolly Mammoth on a Bed of Hand-Foraged Native Grasses, served with local acorns and “Grandma’s” country gravy
Bone-In Mastodon Au Jus and First-Growth Paleolithic Carrots, served with crabapples “on the branch” (You pluck ‘em!) and newly fallen pears
Shoulder of European Aurochs, served with hand-dug and minimally washed tubers, tossed in a reduction of small-mammal blood and Red Squirrel waste
Surf & Turf: Wood-Fired Musk Ox Kabob and Bear-Caught Salmon à la Big Sky, served with uncultivated prickly kale and undomesticated stubby cabbage
Ask about our daily marrow special!
Vegetarian Option: Basket of leaves
Children’s Menu: Choice of Hippo Fingers or Yak & Cheese
“Kids Eat Free Every Day!”
Irg’s Mud-Hut Eatery bans spears and axes in these premises
No Service Without Covered Genitals