Cruz Wins Endorsement of Reptiles, But Most Vertebrates Withhold Support

The presidential campaign of Ted Cruz got a boost on Monday with the endorsement of the International Union of Reptiles, an influential group of land-dwelling tetrapods that emerged from the steaming swamps of the late Carboniferous period, some 320 million years ago.

In a statement scratched on soft rock, the reptilian union praised Cruz for his primitive and backward-looking approach to the challenges facing the United States.

“As a member of Congress the Texas senator has distinguished himself by seeking to nullify science and replace it with religion of a medieval and fanatical sort,” the statement said. “We applaud all such retrograde efforts, reminiscent as they are of the years 600 A.D. through 1250 A.D. — an era of growth and abundance for reptiles.”

In response to the endorsement, tetrapod vertebrates such as birds, amphibians and mammals expressed strong opposition to Cruz. “We would sooner return to the primordial waters of the Devonian period and live as lobe-finned fish than support a creature like the junior senator from Texas,” the animals said in a joint statement.