CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple on Tuesday unveiled the long-awaited iGod along with a host of spiritual apps that together, the company says, will ease the despair and disorientation felt by consumers in the wake of declining religious belief and an increasing sense of life’s absurdity and meaninglessness.
Nearly exploding with innovative technologies, the iGod comes in two models (iGod Supreme and iGod Almighty). Both are capable of filling the void in customers’ lives with candy-colored, jellybean-scented Retina HD displays and ultrafast apps such as iHurt, iEmpty, and iLong-For-Something-More-Than-Digital-Gadgetry.
Both models feature a simpler, more intuitive, more anesthetizing user experience, with a newly patented app that allows customers in crisis to suck or gnaw on any of four corners of a seamless unibody enclosure.
The iGod, essentially a micro iChip with an A26 Quark Processor and next-generation life-after-death tri-core technology, requires surgical implantation beneath the parietal bone of the cranium. Surgical costs are included in the purchase price of $399 if customers choose an in-network Apple iDoctor to conduct the operation. All surgeries will be performed at, or rather on, a Genius Bar during business hours.
“The iGod represents Apple’s bid to provide a technological solution to a spiritual problem,” said Apple CEO Tim Cookie. “By marketing the iGod as though it were the Third Testament of the Judeo-Christian Bible, we believe it can replace religion as the spiritual center of people’s public and private lives. We think iGod is the cure for the pain and dread that customers feel in the absence of a deity who can really be counted on when times are tough.”
The iGod includes baked-in apps such as Apple Pay and Apple Blowback, the latter a feature that alerts users to signs of compulsive, pathetic, antisocial overuse of their smartphones. Downloadable apps include: SolaceX, Build A Friend, Non-Virtual Community Yeah!, and Look-Up-From-Your-Screen-Now-and-Get-a-Life-Before-it's-Too-Late!