Food Industry Says Lots of Sugar Makes Americans Bigger, Better

By David Bean

By loading sugar into nearly everything Americans eat—from soup to yogurt to ketchup to cereal to canned beans to salad dressing to spaghetti sauce to packaged lunch meats—the food industry has “increased the size and quality of people” throughout the United States.

That’s according to food industry executives who gathered in Houston on Wednesday for a banquet at which they honored themselves for cultivating both weight and character in the American people.

“Sugar entices good people to eat more of whatever it is they’re eating,” said Clyde Oxfogel, CEO of Piggy Snacks Inc. and an organizer of the event. “And the more they eat, the bigger and better they’ll be. By ‘big’ we don’t mean tall, we mean wide; people are tall enough already, now we want their width to catch up to their height. Our goal is to help people become round, as well-rounded as possible.”

Oxfogel and other industry executives—at Kraft, Nestlé, Mars, Nabisco, General Mills, Coca-Cola—aim to redefine obesity as something worth striving for, a mark of excellence for which parents should praise and reward children. That’s why the industry spends hundreds of millions of dollars a year marketing sugar-laced foods.

“We believe the most healthful part of American exceptionalism is the idea that the body is a balloon,” said Oxfogel. “It grows bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger until, until….And the key here is to stop just before it bursts, ‘cause if you don’t, the mess is really horrible. An awful mix of Doritos, Taco Bell meat, Coke syrup, Cheez Whiz, Chewy Chocolate Chunk Bars—all over the floor.”

A major complaint of industry leaders is that the media, abetted by doctors and highly qualified medical researchers, portrays obesity as a problem linked to many chronic diseases.

“What if none of that is true?” asked Charles Burpel, CEO of Sugar-Infused Foods, a subsidiary of Sweet Junk For Youth. “What if all those so-called medical studies turn out to be wrong or misleading? What if all the super-sweetened crap we market and make available everywhere for children and teens turns out to be, in the end, kind of nourishing? What if it just makes kids bigger and better? Think about that for a moment.”