Spring Gardening Tips from the Plants Themselves

By Beatrice Pea

It’s spring! And yet your plants and flowers droop and mope in the yard as if their serotonin levels were low. What’s the problem? The problem is that you people don’t treat plants and flowers as you treat yourselves. You think we’re so much simpler than you are, and so you assume that our needs and desires are simple.

Are we thirsty? Yes of course, so if it doesn’t rain you water us—as if water were some exciting alternative to rain. In the summer you water us nearly every day, each week and every month and all season long—as if water were the only drink in the galaxy. Try this: Say to yourselves that from now on, and for the rest of your lives, you will drink nothing but water. How satisfying does that feel?

I think we’re getting somewhere. So, it’s OK to water us on occasion, but in the morning we’d really rather you coffee us, as you do yourselves. When you wake in the morning and realize you’re awake but still can’t remember what living feels like, do you drink water? No, you drink coffee.

If making coffee for a large garden with rows of peonies and daffodils seems daunting to you, consider purchasing a Starbucks lawn sprinkling system, now available in two models (latte and cappuccino) at most Starbucks stores. Ask your barista for details.

Again, water us now and then, but in the evening we’d really rather you wine, beer or liquor us. After an intolerably stressful day when you feel that life is a gift you’d return if only you could find the receipt, do you drink water? No, you reach for something stronger.

If making a 45-gallon martini for a boulevard of hostas and geraniums seems challenging, consider installing a gin or vodka lawn irrigation system, now available in two models (up or on the rocks) at quality liquor stores. For product information, call 1-800-YES-POUR.