How to Cook Everything in Nine Seconds or Less

By Marco Bittmania

Are you looking for a way to cook fresh and wholesome meals for your family without spending any time cooking? If so, stop reading now and see a doctor for your culinary delusions, because the following recipes will take some time to prepare, though never more than 9 seconds from start to finish. And many of the recipes can be completed in 3 to 4 seconds, if you’re willing to reject everything you’ve ever learned about food and cooking.

For starters, broaden your definition of food. A good rule of thumb is: If it’s chewable, it’s edible. Many traditionalists think it’s beneath them to gnaw on something until it gives way and becomes chewable. That’s nonsense. A little effort in the beginning will prove rewarding in the end.

Macaroni and Cheese with Broccoli and Blackened Banana Peels

This is a favorite of mine, especially when I arrive home late and don’t want to fuss in the kitchen. The trick is to rely on banana peels you’ve stored in a cupboard for weeks or months in advance. Then follow these simple steps:

5 cups cheap or free macaroni
18 American cheese singles
2 heads of synthetic broccoli 
4 whole banana peels (discard the banana meat)

Forget about boiling water for the macaroni — that takes time and leaves you with wet noodles. Instead, fry or scorch the noodles over extremely high heat in a sauté pan for six seconds or until the noodles are black. Incinerate the cheese and broccoli until the two are indistinguishable. Add the charred mix of cheese and broccoli to the ruined macaroni. Lay the blackened banana peels crosswise over the top of the dish. Serves four to six unruly kids. 

Culinary Tips for Parents on the Go

Keep a whole lamb slow-roasting continuously on a spit over a fire in the back yard. If the kids come home from school wanting a snack and you’re elsewhere, they can simply carve juicy slices of meat from the sizzling lamb. If you’re uncomfortable with the kids dragging hunks of greasy meat into the house, lock the doors and lay a vinyl tablecloth in the yard. Your children will take the hint. Note: Keep sharpened cutlery in the garage for your children’s convenience. 

For the times when you are home, convert a kitchen window into a drive-thru or walk-up option for your busy teenagers. This allows you to ladle out instant chili or bean soup into the cupped hands of your hungry offspring while ensuring that their mess stays outside, where it belongs.