GOP Disowns Ted Cruz After Discovering the Senator is a Robot

By Seymour Hershey

In a hastily convened press conference Tuesday morning, the Republican National Committee announced its discovery that Senator Ted Cruz, the conservative presidential candidate from Texas, was a robot planted by Democrats to make the Republicans look like “gun-obsessed religious fanatics on a crusade.”

“We regret to report that we’ve been duped,” said RNC Chairman Reince Prieppus. “We learned yesterday that Senator Cruz is a humanoid machine built and programmed by the Democrats to portray Republicans as medieval zealots. To be honest, we’d been suspicious of Cruz for months because of the extreme things he’d been saying on the campaign trail — for example, that Obama never had a mother; that guns have souls; that Jesus always carried a firearm; and that most of today’s liberals are the offspring of an affair between Bill Clinton and Satan’s ex-wife and sister (the same woman).

The discovery that Cruz was a robot came at a rally in Iowa on Monday. While leading a throng of supporters in a version of the gospel song “God Loves Christians Who Pack Heat,” the candidate’s body stiffened and his voice slowed. An aide then guided Cruz backstage, where a reporter captured video of a technician replacing the candidate’s batteries and oiling his jaw, hips, knees and ankles. The video was later uploaded to Facebook.