Supreme Court Orders Justice Scalia to Do Four Months of Community Service in San Francisco

By Cindy Kramer

In an unprecedented action, the Supreme Court on Monday ordered Justice Antonin Scalia to do four months of community service in San Francisco for “spouting Stone Age claptrap and antediluvian flapdoodle” in his dissenting opinion on marriage equality last week.

The order, which takes effect immediately, requires Scalia to clean public bathrooms and rest areas as well as perform routine chores such as mowing grass and painting benches at city parks. Scalia’s supervisor will be Amanda Johnson, 18, a summer volunteer in the city’s park and recreation department.

Dissenting from the order, as well as from the marriage rights decision, was Chief Justice John Roberts along with Justices Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, and Scalia himself. As a result, the four were ordered to be reborn, as gay, and in Texas, under its current political leadership.

“Wait, oh please wait,” said Justice Alito upon hearing the order, “I’d like the chance to rewrite all of my opinions on gay rights.”

Roberts, Thomas, and Scalia all joined Alito in his last-minute request.