Richest Americans Declare Victory in Class War and Claim All U.S. Wealth

By Fred Engels

There was dancing on Wall Street and toasting in hedge fund offices Wednesday as the richest 1 percent of Americans celebrated a decisive victory over poor and working people in a class war that has left 3.8 million dead in spirit and 22 million wounded in heart and mind.

At precisely 8:35 A.M. on Tuesday, representatives of the 1 percent accepted the unconditional surrender of more than 300 million U.S. citizens. The masses were then transported to community centers and school gymnasiums where they waited in line for assignments to low-wage “Freedom Jobs” and “Patriot Work Crews.”

“Mission accomplished,” said a defiant William Nicholson, CEO of Fortune Capital, a global investment banking company headquartered in New York. “This victory means that we, the unimaginably rich, now own all of the nation’s wealth, not just 40 percent of it as had frequently been reported. Obviously we’ll still toss a few dollars at people for doing unpleasant work such as cleaning bathrooms, policing the streets, and installing security systems; but I assure you there’ll be no more chatter about raising taxes on billionaires in order to provide better health care and education for average people. That’s socialism and we won’t allow it.”

Just before dawn on Tuesday, in what appeared to be preparations for a fateful battle at Racket’s Corner in Lower Manhattan, the outrageously rich had entrenched themselves in skyscrapers and awaited the enemy from these heights. At 6:10 A.M. an army of 80,000 hourly workers and 15,000 unemployed mothers and fathers approached from Midtown, eventually splitting into two flanks: half marched along Broadway, the other half along Pearl Street.

As steam from beneath the city rose through the first shafts of morning sunlight, the flanks began to converge on Wall Street. With superior numbers and greater motivation, the workers and jobless seemed likely to overwhelm and vanquish the preposterously rich. But then a crucial contingent of temp workers hesitated. Looking up, and after blinking and clearing their eyes, they and the other laborers felt a rush of joy on seeing the ludicrously rich fling cash from the windows of tall buildings, letting dollar bills flutter down from the sky.

“From our cosmic wealth and our astronomical annual gains,” said a member of the grotesquely rich in a text message to the mob below, “we are pleased to allow a modest portion to trickle down to you as though it were a gift from the Lord — pennies from heaven.”

As the workers and the unemployed reached upward on tiptoes for the falling dollars, a powerful gust of wind swept the cash upward and back into the grasping hands of the apocalyptically rich, who seemed suspiciously well-prepared to gather the money in. Indeed it was soon discovered that gigantic fans, cleverly concealed and blowing upward, were the source of the mysterious wind.

Such low trickery stunned the vast army of workers, jobless, and poor. They were already heartbroken and humiliated from years of being unable to provide well for their families; and now this final insult, as galling as it was wrenching, brought them to their knees. In this sad and weakened condition, they surrendered to the unconscionably rich.