By Todd Moses
Infuriated by humanity’s “trashing of the Earth” and reckless disregard of other species, the Supreme Being on Wednesday asked a descendant of Noah to build a spaceship and gather into it two of every living thing for relocation to another planet.
The Lord said that the descendant, Kaylee Peterson, 15, a great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter of Noah, had seven days to complete the task.
“In one week,” God explained, “I will bring a flood of waters upon the Earth and blot out all human flesh, which through wickedness and the moral rot of consumerism has defiled Creation. Corrupt souls have made a foul mess of Mother Nature and have destroyed entire species of plants and animals without even a shrug. And the vile offenses continue unabated.”
Peterson’s family connection to Noah was not the Lord’s only reason for choosing her to save a remnant of all living things. Knowing long before she was born that Peterson would be afraid of spiders, God insisted it was time for the young woman to overcome the fear and that therefore she must gather up “every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth” for boarding onto the flying ark.
“No way!” Peterson screamed at God, architect of the cosmos, and sole owner of Yahweh Design/Build, the firm that conceived and constructed the universe. “I’ll go get every kind of plant and animal for you but I’m not picking up bugs and spiders. Ewww! You do that.”
“You promise to get everything else?” God asked.
“Yeah, why not?” said Peterson, “as long as I can bring my parents, my little brother and my best friend with me to the clean planet.”