Trump Says G.O.P. Rivals Are Hairy Animals Disguised as Humans

By Catherine Papio

In a campaign video released Thursday morning, Donald J. Trump claims that his rivals for the Republican presidential nomination are “wild animals that normally would have thick fur covering their entire bodies” but that most of the fur has been shaved off in order to make the candidates appear human.

“If you look closely at any of them — Cruz, Perry, Walker, Rubio, Christie, Huckabee — you’ll notice they still have patches of hair where a real person would have only bare skin,” Trump says in the video. The billionaire businessman then holds up a photo of Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin and uses a magnifying glass to highlight a tuft of hair on Walker’s neck. “This is one of the spots the razor missed — just imagine what’s hidden where the sun don’t shine.” 

Showing images of Senator Ted Cruz of Texas and former Gov. Mike Huckabee of Arkansas, Trump says: “It’s pretty clear these apes are not comfortable standing upright all the time; they’ve obviously been trained to balance on their hind legs and use their front legs as arms for gesturing and hand-shaking. But how long can such beasts carry on like this before they tire out? If they ever make it to the White House they’ll probably get caught napping in a tree on the South Lawn.”

Turning to a photo of Senator Marco Rubio of Florida, Trump asks: “Ever seen a skinned rodent? Check out the face and teeth.”

Regarding Rick Perry, Trump says the former Texas governor “exposes himself as a monkey whenever he tries to speak English and it comes out as whooping and gibbering.”

Surprisingly, Trump acknowledges that Jeb Bush is human, but notes that the former governor of Florida had a primitive upbringing, citing the candidate’s last name as evidence. “A person’s name is proof of where he comes from, especially if it’s something obvious like Bush,” says Trump. “So all this talk about Jebby-boy coming from a nicey-nice east-coast family is nonsense. The guy grew up naked in the bush or forest, sitting around a fire pit and roasting squirrels and rabbits he’d trapped.”