Stephen Hawking Now Says Black Holes Are Portals to Hell

By Betty Perceval

The renowned British theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking has stunned the scientific community and his many followers around the world by announcing that his latest research indicates that black holes are portals or “entryways” to hell.

Specialists in the field of cosmology greeted the announcement with dismay and disbelief, many of them insisting that the statement was a hoax or a jest of some sort. But Dr. Hawking, speaking Friday at a news conference in London, repeated his findings three times and demonstrated his calculations in a PowerPoint presentation that he gave twice.

“My new calculations involving quantum entanglement or what Einstein called ‘spooky action at a distance’ lead me to conclude that black holes are dark chutes down which warmongers and plutocrats slide to a hideous region of everlasting discomfort and inconvenience, if not pain and torment,” Dr. Hawking said.

The celebrated scientist was careful to note that the condemned or “the damned,” as he put it, would not slide down the chute unaided but rather would be pulled down by a “gravitational monster” and deposited in a place so remote that neither light nor cell-phone signals nor cries for help could escape it.

Hawking’s calculations show that the hell to which all black holes lead is not the ghastly pit of eternal misery and torture as described in Christian legend; it’s more like a high-poverty urban neighborhood pocked with abandoned houses, boarded-up stores, and junk-food outlets serving only deep-fried patties of salty substances and gooey clusters of sugary material.

“Hell is where the first stage of the great reversal takes place,” Hawking explained. “It’s where the self-satisfied superrich go to experience a life of deep discomfort and extreme inconvenience, a place where their teeth will hurt because they can’t afford dental care; a place where they’ll have to support their families on a minimum wage of $7.25 an hour; a place where others from a great distance will scorn them for not having developed the skills and character of an investment banker or an internet entrepreneur.”

Speaking through a computerized voice simulator, Hawking said he was gratified to discover that black holes served a moral purpose in the universe and were not merely vortices of exotic matter and energy containing a point of nearly infinite density. “It is pleasing to know that black holes, the subject of my life’s work, exist to help redress the savage inequalities and abominable cruelties of our time,” he added.