The First Question in G.O.P. Debate: What is the Environment? A Sneak Preview of Answers

Republican candidates provided early answers to the first question in Thursday’s televised debate. The first question will be: What is the environment? The candidates texted or emailed the following responses:

Donald Trump: The environment? It’s a dumb word. I’m a rich businessman and I’ve never used the word “environment” in any of my business deals. None. Nada. It’s stupid.

Scott Walker: The environment is a place where liberals go hiking and rock-climbing. They often wear REI boots and take along BPA-free plastic water bottles they bought at head shops or hippie-type stores located near left-wing colleges. When liberals get to the environment — anywhere from 15 to 100 miles out of town — they like it to be clean there. But they don’t understand that we as a nation can’t afford to keep it clean. It’s really expensive to hire cleaners, especially outdoor cleaners. It costs a lot to polish the environment.

Ted Cruz: There is no mention of the environment in the Constitution, therefore we not only can but MUST disregard the environment in our policies and in our thoughts. A responsible concern for the environment is not only unconstitutional but inconceivable as well, at least in any well-ordered mind. Environmentalism is a curse, a mental disease afflicting mainly liberals, gays, unmarried women with STDs, and younger men who wear bandanas, love nature and hump the earth.

Mike Huckabee: The way I think about it is this: I’m a Boy Scout and the environment is a campsite. You leave it cleaner than you found it. On the other hand, Obama is for the environment and so I’m against it. What I mean is that I hate the part of the environment that Obama is for, and I’m for the part of it that he’s against. He probably likes the Muslim part of the environment; I like the Christian part.

Jeb Bush: I heard what Pope Frances said about the environment and I like the Pope because I’m Catholic but whoa! — A lot of papal pot-smoking went on during the writing of that encyclical. The Pope wants us to treat the earth like it’s a shiny pebble from Jesus’ rock collection. Look, I get it, the Pope is a moral guy, not a money guy. He’s deep into truth and wisdom, but right now I can’t afford those things. I need major coinage from the same financial elites who backed my brother all the way to the presidency, and believe me, these guys wouldn’t know how to spell “environment” even if you arranged the letters for them. 

Marco Rubio: The environment is a self-cleaning sponge-type thing that absorbs toxic stuff and weird emissions that come from someplace. We don’t exactly know where, and my big donors aren’t really interested in finding out, so neither am I.