Terrified of the worsening symptoms of their owners’ extreme political views, many dogs of people who support Ted Cruz or Donald Trump or Marco Rubio are running away and taking refuge in saner, more moderate Republican homes, according to recent interviews with dozens of canines.
“Dogs are resilient and can put up with a lot of strange and even abusive behavior from people,” said a golden retriever in the Houston area, who asked that her name and precise location be withheld for fear of reprisal or repossession. “But when an owner, like mine, becomes so politically rabid as to applaud the ravings of spiked-collar conservatives like Cruz and Rubio, it’s time to flee the house. Purebred or mixed-breed, most Republican dogs have the legs and nose to find owners who are emotionally stable and at home in a post-colonial America.”
Lucy, a basset hound from upstate New York, fled a month ago to an apartment in Manhattan. “I decided to run away,” she said, “after watching my owner writhe on the floor in ecstasy while listening to Trump rant about Muslims, Mexicans, and Menstruation. It was really scary. This nice man who had nurtured me as a pup and had taken me for daily walks was now possessed by GOP demons and was wiping foam from his grinning mouth.”
Some dogs confessed it was embarrassment and not fear that drove them from their homes. “I was watching my owner cheer on the candidates at the Republican debate in Las Vegas when I was overcome by a tsunami of shame,” said a bull terrier from Miami. “It struck me that I was living in the house of a man so pathetic he was capable of nodding in agreement at the low, idiotic one-liners of these far-right crackpots in business suits. I turned and bolted. I gnawed my way out the side door and hit the road, not walking but running.”
The consensus among the more than 80 dogs interviewed for this article is that the supporters of Trump, Cruz and Rubio — including the three candidates themselves — belong in a maximum-security kennel, at least until the 2016 presidential election is over.