In response to a high number of prayers seeking an explanation for Donald J. Trump’s existence, God on Wednesday acknowledged that the birth of the G.O.P presidential front-runner was a “terrible mistake caused by lapses in quality control at Mr. Trump’s conception, in October of 1945.”
Speaking at a National Press Club luncheon in Washington, the Lord apologized for having released into American society “a weird amalgam of thumb-sucking man-child and jumbo quacking duck. It’s as if a gigantic balloon figure from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade had drifted away and then entered politics, making everyone wonder who the joke was on.”
Despite Trump’s innocent appearance, though, the man-duck — or The Donald Duck, as he’s known — poses a serious danger to the United States. “Many of its citizens, upon seeing or hearing him, become significantly dumber,” God said with regret and astonishment.
“I take full responsibility for this hybrid of enlarged fowl and shrunken human,” the Author of the Cosmos continued. “Mr. Trump exists because of a rare glitch in the automated system that detects and disposes of shriveled or otherwise malformed souls at the moment of conception. Of course, the system has long since been improved and I’m proud to say we’ve received Six Sigma certification and thus have virtually eliminated defective souls like Trump’s.”
Finally, God issued the equivalent of a product recall, obligating Trump to turn himself in for maintenance and repairs, including mental and moral upgrades intended to make him fully human.