Trump’s Pediatrician Says Candidate Struggling with Thumb-Sucking, Bed-Wetting in Wake of First Debate

The upsetting experience on Sept. 26 of debating with a grown-up in front of 100 million television viewers has caused a recurrence of the thumb-sucking and bed-wetting that have long troubled Donald J. Trump on his meandering journey toward adulthood. 

Dr. Alicia Zapata, a pediatric psychiatrist at Bellevue Hospital in New York, acknowledged that the real estate developer and virtual toddler had suffered a setback in his fight against aggressive thumb-sucking and nightly, saturation-level bed-wetting.

“Mr. Trump is currently being treated with Tabasco Sauce on his right thumb,” said Dr. Zapata, “and we are cautiously optimistic that the treatment will discourage him from sucking on that digit. As for the nighttime urinary incontinence, Mr. Trump’s household staff assures us that the tax evader’s bed has been fitted with a vinyl mattress cover and waterproof sheet protectors. Beyond that, we are exploring options for inducing or otherwise encouraging a developmental surge into full-blown adolescence.”

The second debate between the appallingly immature Mr. Trump and the sophisticated, level-headed Hillary Clinton will take place this Sunday at Washington University in St. Louis. As a precautionary measure, Mr. Trump’s campaign staff has said that the non-taxpaying candidate will wear a plus-sized adult diaper with maximum absorbency and a leakage barrier pouch.