GOP Hordes Ransack Coastal Cities as Trump Ushers in New Dark Age: ‘Howling Savages’ Set Fire to Colleges and Libraries, Sparking Exodus of Students and Teachers

A new Dark Age descended over the United States last week as semi-naked hordes of Republican savages raided centers of culture and learning on both the East and West coasts, setting fire to schools and universities, plundering theaters, museums, and libraries, while hunting down and carrying off anyone with a college degree or an active mind.

The barbarous GOP warriors, many of them wearing nothing but filthy and ragged underpants, also targeted coffee cafes where liberals and others proficient in language gather to read, write, and talk. Graffiti scratched onto the walls of hundreds of looted Starbucks stores spelled out a grim warning: “Quit yer yoozen big werds an stop yer thinkin hard tunderstand ideas or we gunna hert ya.”

Fearing for their lives, hundreds of thousands of educated people either fled to Canada or went into hiding.

“Even when high on mushrooms in my college days I never imagined I’d see American Huns, Goths and Bulgars sack and lay claim to Manhattan,” said Robert Penman, a New York University history professor who survived a raid at a Greenwich Village Starbucks by playing dumb and blending in with the illiterate marauders.

Led by President-elect Donald J. Trump, the GOP armies have seemingly overnight plunged the nation into an era of ignorance and superstition, where facts, knowledge, and reason are held in low regard and often even no regard. In the wake of Trump’s election victory on Nov. 8, literacy has faded markedly as oral cultures have emerged across the South, Midwest, Plains and Mountain states. Such cultures are centered on the frequent telling of horoscopes and knock-knock jokes during the day. In the evening, families or clans gather around a bonfire to recite decades-old stories about football.

Meanwhile, anthropologists and religious leaders have noted with alarm that traditional morality, as well as both early modern and late modern morality—in addition to postmodern morality—have disappeared in a mere three weeks.

“With the President-elect providing YouTube video instructions on how best to grope a woman and grab her by the…by the ‘kitty cat’, let’s say, you’ve got to believe we’re entering a long period of Stone Age darkness,” said Clare Prescott, an expert on prehistoric behavior at the American Museum of Natural History, in New York. “I’m waiting eagerly for his video on how to drag a woman by the hair into a cave without her kicking and screaming, or even complaining. Perhaps his evangelical supporters can help with the filming.”